I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
