On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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