I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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