he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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