Plan B is the new Plan A
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
