For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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