I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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