Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
