what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
