i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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