Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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