y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
