Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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