Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
