me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
