you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize