I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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