I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
