What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
