I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
