I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
