Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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