Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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