I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
