I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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