that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
