I wish my penis had an off switch
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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