Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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