Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Randomize
