i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
