i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
