i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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