Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
