She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
