I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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