his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
