OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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