Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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