I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
