They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
