i came on her dog
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
