you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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