you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
