I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
