I think I am morally bankrupt
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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