If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
