When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
