i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
