she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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