I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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