Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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