As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
