you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
