You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
