she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize