I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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