fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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