Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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