i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
