My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
