You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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