I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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