I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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