bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
